Selepas Isyak...

dibawah buruj malam dia duduk,

matanya memandang jauh ke laut hitam,

yang penghujungnya halimunan

dia diam keseorangan.

manusia berjalan melepasinya,

leka tidak menyedarinya,

dia tidak kisah, kebiasaan... syaitan mula tugasnya lepas isyak

sebagai peronda pantai, menyesatkan anak adam dan hawa...

jadikan mereka kader neraka...lantak merekalah

tak kira agama, mereka telah diamarkan ..

dia tidak endah, mindanya rakus memikir...

sengsara hatinya pabila rindu tidak dijawab.

memoria alkisah lampau hantuinya,

dia perlukan anjakan paradigma minda?

atau rindunya dijawab?

yang terkemudian tampak mustahil...

dia bangun dan pergi,

tiada kesan kehadirannya,

kecuali pasir pantai yang lembap...

Action.. Intention...

Good... Bad, Yin...Yang, They're both the opposite of each other

Good represents something positive, while bad represents something well... Bad and negative... You get the bloody idea. But how do we justify things as good or bad? ... How do we categorize something as good or bad. A man stealing from a shop. Thats bad. But A man stealing from a shop to feed a family. Is that bad... ? Robin Hood, Is he bad? .... Does bad actions done in good intentions is a bad thing? ... Or does good actions done in a bad intention a good thing? ... Lying to someone to protect them.. Is that bad? ... or telling the truth and starting a war... An indian parent tells their girls that talking to an older guy is bad? ... Is it? ... They are lying to the kid to protect them... Is that bad? ...If a guy hides something from his family, to protect them, to keep things safe, and happy... Is it wrong? ...

My dad used to tell me that there will be a time where you will be able to differentiate whats good and whats bad, but now, what I see is that good and bad are things that vary in each human, in each boy and girl, men and women. There are different versions of everything, and sometimes its stupid to think at all angles.
Someone who used to be the closest person to me once said that actions speak louder than words, and that your version of the truth and my version of the truth are different. She was right. Its the way people see things, If you see the front of a book, you see only the front cover. If you see a book from its back, you only see its back cover. Think steady, Read the book, Think from all angles. In a situation, think about the reason of the other parties' act. You see from all angles, you consider every perception, then you get the full picture. and YES!, action speaks louder than words, action speaks louder than feelings, action speaks louder than intentions. Robin Hood stole, but how would the other party would know why he did it? ...No matter how good your intentions are, no matter how noble that may be, Sometimes the world just considers the actions you've done, at that point, who considers your intentions, your feelings... Who?

Are we good? Are we bad? ....

Calculus Test

Bayu hawa mekanikal membeku,

Namun badan terasa suam,

Tekanan tinggi dirasa... bukan tekanan atmosferik,

jasad bukan seorang, mengejar menyelesaikan teka-teki matematikal,

mengejar masa berdetik pantas malar,

60 menunduk ke bawah,

60 menulis,

Ada minda tersenyum, ada minda meraung geram, ada minda putus asa,

ekspresi minda terpahat di wajah.

Buzer berdering sesaat, entah jam tangan anak siapa.

pensyarah bangun .....

anniversary

20 years ago at this date, a young couple were united under a holy matrimony... A couple who had their own shared hopes and dreams ... Hopes and dreams which are to be fulfilled under my responsibility... and I will ...

Identiti.

Hari ini memang berani ku kata bahawa ku punya ramai kawan. Sejak juvenil dan sebelumnya, ku bisa bergaul tanpa mengira perbezaan dari hampir semua segi. Ku fikir banyak boleh ku belajar dari minda mereka, dari tindakan positif dan negatif mereka. Ku jadikan teladan dan pengajaran, dan juga sesetengahnya amaran. Ku kenal ramai... pelbagai identiti, seorang satu identiti, ada yang pelbagai identiti dalam satu jasad, ada yang hanya bertopeng... dipakai di luaran, belang sebenarnya disembunyikan.
Ku lihat peribadi mereka... ku sedar, ku tidak punya identiti...
Ku selami diri, ku jumpa ilmu... ku jumpa semangat... ku jumpa impian... ku jumpa kasih ... ku jumpa cinta... ku jumpa kemarahan.. ku jumpa kesedihan.. ku jumpa pelbagai

tapi kini... diluaran... banyak peribadi lenyap... impian lenyap... semangat lenyap... semua lenyap... ku jumpa sisa-sisa cinta... ku jumpa sisa-sisa kasih familial, ku jumpa ilmu... ku jumpa tanggungjawab...

Ku mahu identiti kunoku pulih... ku mahu segalanya kembali..

Tahun Baru

Pada tahun baru ini, inginku menutup satu bab dalam hidupku, bab yang penuh emosi dan drama, bab yang penuh pengajaran, bab yang penuh cinta dan patah hati. Ku tutup bab 2010... Ku simpan dalam kotak ... sekali sekala akanku buka dan lihat memori indah yang ada... Ku ucap terima kasih bagi semua.. 2010 merupakan tahun yang akan berbeza dalam hidupku.

Jika ditanya azam tahun baruku, akanku jawab mencari kecemerlangan dalam pelajaranku, tetapi jika ditanya apakah permintaanku setiap kaliku berdoa.. jawapanku mungkin sekali mengusik emosi dan absurd...

Jadi, ku mulakan 2011 ini dengan azam untuk menunaikan harapan ibu bapaku dan menghapuskan rasa kecewa mereka terhadapku.... dan ku harap... ku amat amat berharap doaku dimakbulkan ...

Ku ajak kawan-kawanku lupakan segala yang buruk dan ambil memori serta tabiat yang murni, yang baik, yang positif apabila melangkah ke tahun baru ini .... dan ku ucap semoga maju jaya ....

Heartbreak ... Scientifically!!

This post is gonna bilingual so bear with me...

Adelah seorang member aku ... afiq namanye... dia cadangkan aku update blog aku ... at first... I didnt knew what I was supposed to post... So i went deep into myself, and found the part of me that still hurts.... and decided to do a scientific research about it... the results were shocking ...

A broken heart (or heartbreak) is a common metaphor used to describe the intense emotional pain or suffering one feels after losing a loved one, through death, divorce, breakup, moving, being rejected, or other means.

Heartbreak is usually associated with losing a spouse or loved one, though losing a parent, child, pet, or close friend can also "break one's heart". The phrase refers to the physical pain one may feel in the chest as a result of the loss. Although "heartbreak" is usually a metaphor, there is a condition - appropriately known as "broken heart syndrome" - where a traumatizing incident triggers the brain to distribute chemicals that weaken heart tissue.

The symptoms of a "broken heart" can manifest themselves through psychological pain but for many the effect is physical. Although the experience is regarded commonly as indescribable, the following is a list of common symptoms that occur:

A perceived tightness of the chest, similar to an anxiety attack
Stomachache and/or loss of appetite
Partial or complete insomnia
Anger
Shock
Nostalgia
Apathy (loss of interest)
Anhedonia (inability to feel pleasure)
Feelings of loneliness
Feelings of hopelessness and despair
Loss of self-respect and/or self-esteem
Medical or psychological illness (for example depression)
Suicidal thoughts (in extreme cases)
Nausea
Fatigue
The thousand-yard stare
Constant or frequent crying
Takotsubo cardiomyopathy
A feeling of complete emptiness
In extreme cases, death..

Hell! ... (Although "heartbreak" is usually a metaphor, there is a condition - appropriately known as "broken heart syndrome" - where a traumatizing incident triggers the brain to distribute chemicals that weaken heart tissue.) ..This phrase was really shocking!! ...

so i went furtherr into "broken heart syndrome" ..

Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, also known as transient apical ballooning syndrome,[1] apical ballooning cardiomyopathy,[2] stress-induced cardiomyopathy, broken-heart-syndrome, Gebrochenes-Herz-Syndrom, and simply stress cardiomyopathy, is a type of non-ischemic cardiomyopathy in which there is a sudden temporary weakening of the myocardium (the muscle of the heart). Because this weakening can be triggered by emotional stress, such as the death of a loved one, a break-up, or constant rejection, the condition is also known as broken heart syndrome.[3] Stress cardiomyopathy is a well-recognized cause of acute heart failure, lethal ventricular arrhythmias, and ventricular rupture.[4]

The typical presentation of someone with takotsubo cardiomyopathy is a sudden onset of congestive heart failure or chest pain associated with ECG changes suggestive of an anterior wall myocardial infarction. During the course of evaluation of the patient, a bulging out of the left ventricular apex with a hypercontractile base of the left ventricle is often noted.





the left side is a human heart having the broken heart syndrome and the right one is a normal heart.


secara ringkasnya, the pain is caused by weakening of one muscle in the heart la... causing overflow blood in the ventricle... so hence the pain...

So basically, the deep, extremely, sometimes indescribably painful feeling at the middle of the chest is more physical...

Revealing facts! ....

p/s: research was done involving various sources... but for blogging purposes, wikipedia was used as its definitions were more understandable...

Cuti...

frasa yang seringkali membawa jeritan yay!! dan merdekha!!! apabila sekolah tamat, cuti. Kini di menara gading, situasi tidak begitu berbeza... Cuti sekolahku, dan kini universitiku tidak begitu dilengkapi dengan 'holiday' di luar negara mahupun dalan negara... paling2 pun, melawat stadhuys dan runtuhan gereja St Paul ketika mengambil adik yang belajar di sana... cutiku juga tidak dihabiskan dengan aktiviti lepak dan keluar bersama rakan rakan sehinggalah ku berada di akhir tingkatan 4, sekarang pun sekali sekala sahaja, kurang frekuensinya dengan sahabat sahabatku yang lain. Namun, pada satu tahun, sahaja, Decemberku dihiasi dengan bunga bunga cinta dan kasih.. Itu sudah jadi peristiwa lama... Biasanya cutiku akan dihabiskan bermain permainan komputer, menghabiskan masa, bergaduh, dan beradventur dengan dua adik lelakiku, memasak dengan ibuku, dan menjadi penolong ayahku di kerja, dan pelbagai aktiviti lain yang boleh dikatakan ritual... Dahulu, ku terlalu muda untuk menganalisa, tetapi, sekarang, aku mendapati bahawa keluargaku amat selesa dengan cara hidup begini, sememangnya benar, ayah dan ibuku mahukan kami sebagai anak untuk hidup lebih 'high class' dari sekarang tetapi aku fikir, mungkinkah keselesaan ini dikecapi dengan status yang lebih tinggi? mampukah ketenangan jiwa dan perasaan kesederhanaan yang dirasai sekarang boleh dirasai di kedudukan yang lebih tinggi dalam status sosial? Seperti orang yang berstatus tinggi diletakkan dalam kedudukan sebegini akan bertindak seperti kelawar dalam gua yang tiba-tiba di terangi cahaya terang, mungkinkah aku akan bertindak sebegitu apabila diletakkan di kedudukan 'high class' secara tiba-tiba?

Semester One Ends

I'm back home, so this time i have a great amount of time to post something really decent. (yawns...)
University was a hell of an experience, experience which i have much to experience if you know what I mean. Sometimes I just feel that being to indulged into my emotions of what happened is keeping me down, and i know it is. . . i feel like so what if i have lost my only best friend, and my first one, I'll live through this life myself... I'll do it alone, and I'll get through, but sometimes... well most of the time... my emotions get hold of me.
Anyways, uni was nice, a variety of feelings... a variety of experience... just as PLKN was, but just in a different manner. Eventhough I can't actually feel happy anymore, I feel a hell lot different things... so I guess that counts as me not being emotionless yet.
If I were to narrate one interesting experience by another, the sun will begin to rise and i'll be more sleep deprived than ever. many events were interesting, even in a hostile manner such as ragging... it has its own benefits... example: after the ragging period, we (juniors) got to know many seniors and we became friends with them.... and when i say many... i mean like alot of seniors... thrice as much as you would be friends with if the "introduction" session never occured. I have alot friends here... a few new good friends whom I trust. .. played a lot games... watched alot movies... studied alot... drove a manual car without parental guidance... I learnt alot... I experienced alot... and after all of this, I can atleast say that for the next semester, I'm looking forward for more experiences...
Finals wasn't very good... and i doubt i'll be anywhere near excellent... but based on my emotional instability, i can say that i managed okay... hope that god throws in a few strings...

Lastly,

"whatever we do may be insignificant, but it is most important that we do it"
-M.K.Gandhi-

I care ...

Dhijee

Jungle Roses

Its like with a stalk of jungle rose... so damn beautiful, hold it once and u'd feel like u've gotten everyting you wanted. but then, its thorns begin to hurt you... tearing into your flesh, the more harder your grip, the more pain it brings.... You'd let go.
The thing with people like me is, we still hold on to the flower.... even with our already injured hands we still faithfully hold the stalk, the pain is now excruciating... but we still hold on, because we have faith in the beauty of the flower, because we know that the flower is not to be blamed for the thorns it is created with... that is its nature.... we have hope in that flower... we love that flower...

Memoirs...

I can still recall the first time i fell from a moving car, I can still see the scar from my first bicycle fall. I can still hear the screams and wailings of the possesed and hysterical students during Kem Koko Diraja 2007, I can still hear the shots of my M-16 and feel its recoil, looking at smoke oozing out of the target board being hit by my bullets, so many memories, but most of all... one memory stands above it all... the one I will always cherish and the one that will always haunt me. . . the one memory that branches into a million others....

Happy Deepavali

TO ALL... HAPPY DEEPAVALI



May everyone of you, regardless of race, ethnic, religion and background have a good time on this Festival of Lights.

Gunned Down

First, I was gunned down by my parents
then i was gunned down by my fear of death,
after that I was gunned down by my laziness,
Love came, and freed me for awile...
Then the lover left...
and I was gunned down by her words...
Now i am gunned down by my emotions ... .

To You...

To you...

You were my first and only best friend, my inspiration, my mentor, my guardian angel, my heart... You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen...

Now,
As I walk through this path alone,
I will always remember the memories,
I will always cherish them,
I will always Miss You...

Short Story 2

She stood there, silently. The silent night was occasionally broken by sounds of nature... a wolf howled in the distance... the rumbling of leaves of trees when an occasional breeze swept by, the forest sounded alive, eerie, but in a way... peaceful. However, she wasn’t paying attention to the sounds. The cool midnight breeze did very little to cool down the anger in her heart, an anger not for anyone in the world, but for herself. The guilt was killing her, guilt for have made a very big mistake. She looked down. The full moon did little to reveal an image of a cliff right beneath her, hundreds of feet, and forest at the bottom. From above, the forest appeared as large canopies, occasionally a pine would poke through revealing a stalagmite view. She knew all those trees would to do almost nothing to save her if she fell, which was exactly the point of why she was standing only at the precipice of the edge. Her only regret was that she was going to bring someone with her.

When I say

When I say I'm Sleepy, i'm actually lazy
When I say I'm hungry, I'm starving
When I say I'm Lazy, I'm really lazy
When I say i'm an idiot, I just made a mistake
When I say my _____ hilang la!!! i Just must have forgotten where i kept it
When I say i sang in the night, i was actually half crying
When I say i'm not afraid of flying insects, I was lying
When I say that movie superb la, I like it cause the quality, not because its utterly 'gempak'
when I say nothing, I'm thinking
when I say I miss you, I really do
When I say I need to study, i'm really last minute studying already
When I say I bullied i kid, I was actually playing with him
When I say I understand, I actually thought of it from your perspective, not mine
When I say something about someone, I've done a rough analysis bout his/her character
When I say i'm happy, I didnt mean it
When I say i have no money, i'm really pokai ady
When I say dont disturb me, seriously, dont disturb me
When I say late already, faster come, i'm already damn anxious
When I say something from a scientific or historical view, i actually was telling the truth
When I say i cant tell you, its a secret i wish not to tell
When I say i'm okay, i'm not
when I say i need your help, i really need your help
When I say i'm sick, i'm very sick
When I say I Love You, I Swear To God... I Mean It with All My Heart

Good Night

Theory

One man's meat is another man's poison... one gossip about someone is sensational to others but a death wish for the person involved or relatively similar... the practical value in a result of an experiment wont always be same as the theoretical value... sometimes the version of truth you believe in isnt the truth at all, its just the way you understand things. A superb Chicken curry can be spoiled by a minuscule bacteria. . . A superb relationship can be destroyed by just one problem. . . But Life Goes On ....

Love ...

Sometimes it seems almost a trend that girls and guys participate in a search for a prefect person ...to be their bf or gf .. or even to be betrothed with. . .

I dont know about everyone else, but that isn't how it works for me ...

I came to love not by finding a perfect person, but i succeeded in seeing that imperfect person perfectly, whether that profound sense of sight came after i fell in love or before i fell in love... i dont know... but i did, and when it happened, from that day onwards, that person would be an angel...in every possible way, and if you hold on to that sight, you'd be able to handle her at her worst... and at her very best..

The thing is, weirdly, that profound sight became permanent to my eyes, till now... and i have no idea whether thats a good thing or not...

signing out,
Dhijee

UMP

i am a new mahasiswa in the University Malaysia Pahang..... if you happen to pass by... drop by to say hi :)

Irony

When i say that my life so far is filled with so many sad ironies... mark my word because its so damn true..

example number one:

You were so worried that i would leave you... finally you were the one you told me to stay away from you.... :( :( :(